Lifeline
by IdleWit
Summary: Logan reflects on his mothers death, and what it means to him.


**Lifeline**

Logan Echolls stared up at the ceiling dumbly, his eyes dry, his thoughts upon his dead mother. All he could think about her though was that she hadn't been a very good mother, and that was all he could seem to remember about her, no matter how hard he thought and tried.

It was dark in his room, the shadows accenting everything as he looked up at that blank ceiling. His head felt fuzzy, his temple pounding, thoughts drifting in and out like a crackling radio. There seemed to be a roaring in his ears, like he was falling down a cliff and the air was rushing to meet him, or like he'd drunk the whole cabinet of liquor, which he had, the bottles strewn across the floor, around his bed. It was funny how even after an obscene amount he still felt like he wanted to be sick, that lump was still in his throat, that burning in his eyes, and that ache…it just wouldn't go away.

He moved his head slightly, letting his cheek rest against the soft satin sheet of his unmade bed. He looked towards the framed picture on his bedside table; it was of his mother and him, smiling together. Of course his mother had already had a few shots by the time the picture was taken, and was leaning against him heavily, and he….there was a fear in his eyes, he scrunched up his face trying to remember why.

Ah yes, that was right, he'd accidentally spilled red wine on some famous directors wife, and his fathers looks at him, covered by fake smiles and better acting then he did in the movies, promised him hell when he got home. Of course daddy dearest had never been one to hold out on promises; he thought he still had a few scars left over from that time. He smiled wanly and turned his eyes back to the blank ceiling, trying to stop thinking all together, trying to concentrate on the roaring.

Pictures seemed to keep obstructing though, the ceiling no longer blank, there was a face, at first he almost thought it was his mum's, wished it was because he just wanted to see her so badly….but it turned into a paler younger face, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and red lips…a beauty…Lilly. He blinked his eyes rapidly, dispelling the image, but it wasn't enough to dispel the unbidden thoughts. Ah….Lilly, he remembered the hubbub her death had brought. He remembered the cameras and the newspapers, the gossips…the funeral. Lots of people had stood up there and pure….garbage just rolled out of their mouths.

"_Lilly was a beautiful girl, so sweet…so innocent," one woman had pronounced. _

Logan snorted at the thought of this; Lilly had been about as pure as a demon. Lilly hadn't been anything like they'd said, she was so far from a saint she might have even made the devil look reasonable. She wasn't evil or anything….though hell she'd broken Logan's heart more times then he could count…but Lilly had just been the stereotypical spoilt rich kid, stirring up trouble for her parents because she was bored.

Logan knew that, knew that she was too selfish to ever care about him the way he had cared about her….but she'd been something to cling to….and she'd let him cling. She thought he was like her at first, stirring up trouble because he was bored, messed up….drinking…experimenting for the fun of living life. He thought though, that after a while she realized that he wasn't…wasn't doing the things he did for the same reasons she was….wasn't doing it because he loved the way people looked at him and thought "angry teen"…wasn't doing it to get shock gasps from the public….he thought maybe a long time ago she'd realized he was doing it because he had a_ real_ reason to. But even after that she still let him cling…and Logan, if for no other reason, had loved her for that. After all, for all the stuff she'd done, Lilly had been an amazing person, and no one could get past that. All her selfishness, all her antics…her whole personality had been what made people love her, the people who stood up at her funeral and talked about a saint that never existed hadn't understood that. Veronica had though…when he'd made the memorial tape for Lilly, she'd known that they needed to show people a glimpse of the hurricane Lilly Kane really was... to actually remember her_ life_.

This turned Logan's disorientated thoughts to Veronica, nice girl if you liked snarky, independent vixens. She'd changed a lot since Lilly's death; he knew part of the reason for that was because of him, and the hell he gave her. He tried to tell himself that it was because he was angry at her for being able to deal so easily, tried to blame her for it all….but he knew it was really because he was trying to get away from his old life, tried to obliterate all memory of it….tried to not think of Lilly and the fact she was the only thing that had kept him alive for most of the years. Destroying someone else's life, in a twisted, messed up logic way, made him believe it'd be easier to do all that. Lilly hadn' t been his only life line of course, before, during and after her, the little there was…there'd been his mum. After Lilly died though, he only had his mum to cling to again and he was down to one life line.

And then there are none…. His mum was gone now, and he was left with a father that couldn't go a day without beating on him, and a half sister who cared as much about him as she did about the gum she stepped on, probably even less. Duncan was a mess, not even recognizable as his old buddy anymore…and Veronica…well he wouldn't even go there. Logan grabbed the bottle lying next to him and drowned down some burning alcohol, trying to burn away all his thoughts. When he let it fall though, they were still there. His mum, Lilly, Duncan, Aaron, Veronica…. What did he really have now…hell he didn't even have materials to build a bridge to get him over it, his life was smashed beyond ruin, admit ably it hadn't been much to start with. Was it his dad's fault, was it his mum's fault….was it Lilly's…. Logan didn't know, maybe it was everyone's, maybe it was no ones… maybe it was his…

He sat up, his head spun, the room coming in and out of focus. He turned his gaze upon the picture of his mother and him again. She was smiling out at him….maybe it was time for Logan to think sad but nice thoughts about her…to hug it and rock…or some other junk. But Logan had never been one to follow stereotypes, and all he could think was, "It was pretty shitty of you to leave me here."

He got up and sighed, moving to his sound system he switched it on, pumping up the volume so the loud music burst out, drowning out the roaring with the Rolling Stones, Mothers little Helper. He snorted at this, talk about coincidence, his mother popped a few more then four pills though, and they were all the colours of the rainbow.

Logan sighed and picked up the bottle again, taking another drink, he couldn't help his eyes glancing once more at his mother's picture. And then the burning intensified, and the lump was choking him, and the ache grew.

A pounding started on his door, and Aaron Echols was trying to yell on top of the music, yelling at his son to turn the dam music down. Logan glanced at the door, then back at the picture, raising his bottle to her. He'd always thought, that no matter how crappy his life got, no matter how bad his father got…his mother and him would always be the ones to face it together. Guess he didn't get that answer right however, and here he was about to face his father, once the man broke down the door…all alone.

Logan fell onto his bed, staring up at the blank ceiling again. And then he found as the music drowned him, and the pounding on the door got more insistent, the shouts louder, that his body was shaking and tears were falling from his eyes.

His mother may not have been a good mother ….may not have even classified as a mother…but she had been his life line in this cruddy world…his only one….and now she was gone. .. Logan Echolls stared up at the ceiling painfully, his eyes streaming with tears, his thoughts upon his dead mother.


End file.
